Updated: Feb 26
As you might have gathered by now, 1thousandays is expecting its youngest member in May!
I thought long and hard whether I should share with you more personal details about my journey to becoming pregnant. While this might not be the right outlet, I cannot bear the thought of starting to post photos of the nursery with the same casualness and spontaneity as any other woman would do. Less than a year ago, I would be looking at those photos full of anger and grief, as the hope of me becoming mother one day was slowly fading away.
The truth is fertility is not always an easy word for many women and men alike. It can be a longwinded path, with peaks of hope and deep holes of sorrow. My journey started over three years ago. Although I am aware I should consider myself fortunate because there are couples who try to conceive for much longer, it was nevertheless a truly difficult time. I was ready to become a mother the day we decided to start trying. Something in my brain had changed. I felt like my body was already preparing itself for the possibility of receiving new life, but, alas, that wasn’t happening.
At first you try to listen to the science telling you that it normally takes over a year to get pregnant, ad that according to the NHS one in four infertility cases are so called ‘unexplained’. That means no matter how hard you try, there simply is no explanation for it not happening. People tell you it has to do with stress, with you not being positive enough… I swear I came to a point of wanting to harm whoever repeated that to me. Flash news: don’t! it is just useless and frankly extremely irritating.
It is so hard not to fall in that rabbit hole of bitterness and sadness. I must admit, I did fall in it. For almost a year I cried in the shower when my period showed up. I could not avoid the feeling of being surrounded by pregnant women. Younger women, who in my eyes where guilty of not having tried to conceive long enough. Older women, who I thought less deserving than me. And although people around me were incredibly supportive and understanding of my terrible mood, I felt incredibly lonely.
Going through the available options was also slightly daunting. But, since we are lucky enough to live in a country that offers free fertility treatment, my husband and I decided to try. Two IUIs and two IVFs later, here we are expecting our first baby. So no, for the millionth time, this is not a ‘COVID-baby’. Please be mindful when making such comments to expecting mothers. You can never know how easy it was for them to conceive and although I am obviously now overjoyed, I admit I am still incredibly sensitive to all the pain it took to get here.
To all the couples trying out there, hold on. Surround yourself with people who love you and support you no matter what. Don’t let infertility be a taboo. Talk to people, share your experience. I can guarantee it helps lifting the weight off your shoulders. YOU WILL MAKE IT and, soon enough, you will be looking at the list of things you need for the nursery with no idea of where to start!
Lots of love,